Netflix Addiction: Devil

By Dr.Sparta

  Whales, my computer exploded. It shattered my hopes and my dreams. It destroyed my sanity. I had to call upon the gods to give me the tools to give life to a new one. With that quest now completed, let’s get back to finding awesome! That which I am about to watch on the screen of this maddening house of horrors known as Netflix is a mayor letdown that is only  welcome for someone with an unquenchable thirst for action, bloodletting, explosions and the occasional love story that ends in tragedy. It’s bad acting, it’s over the topness, it’s overall goofy quality… This is Devil. 

  My fellow Whales this movie delivered nothing but the last sentence above. It promised greatness, it lied. It promised GLORY! and it lied once again. At this point I wanted to end my computer for a second time, but I restrained myself. This “film” is centered on a group of people trapped in an elevator, one of them being the Devil. Every time the lights go out a soul is taken from within the elevator via slaughter. Up until this part, I was hooked, and then like a siren’s call draws men in, it pounced for the reveal. And it left a not bloody bad taste in everyone’s mouth. Then it went on being racist with the latino character being overly religious and how the detective has a tragic back-story. I would much rather just…dare I say it? Watch both VHS movies once again than sit through this.  

  This movie is most un-epic, it gives nothing that is new.  Like a politician, it is all promise and no delivery. Do not get me wrong whales and whalettes, I love being back, but with movies like this… I fear for what’s to come. With that I take my leave whales. But there is no question about this though, go witness this bad, BAD movie and judge it deeply. This is Dr. Sparta, GLORIOUSLY recommending not building your own computer without good specific instructions.

Netflix Addiction: Obsession

By Dr. Sparta

   My brothers and sisters, I have a confession to make. After coming out of the era of VHS movies unscathed, I fear I’ve become addicted to the “found footage” genre on Netflix. Last week, I was on yet another expedition, when I stumbled upon quite a few movies that carry out the old trope of “found footage of evil ghost/demon/alien tormenting the world’s most persistent camera operator to capture everything on film and not throw the damn thing away to run”. Most of the time, the camera holder doesn’t have a reason to continuously grasp the camera. But even the characters that might have some sort of justification, like having one of their friends vanish or get killed, it seems a little weird that they don’t just forget that the camera exists.

   You might recognize some of the movies I’ve been watching: Paranormal Activity 4, Absence, The Bell Witch Haunting, Europa Report, Episode 50, 8213: Gacy House, Apartment 143, The Blair Witch Project, both Grave Encounters movies, The Devil Inside, and The Bay. After watching three or four of these, you’ll start noticing a pattern. And it’ll be a pattern that exists in all of these movies. I won’t go into detail, so you guys can find out what this pattern is. None of these movies will spread fear into the hearts of unsuspecting viewers, only a rather odd attraction and desire for more. It’s puzzling, to say the least. Whether it was a ghost out for vengeance, or alien abduction and experimentation, or a demon out to possess, my eyes stayed glued to the screen, until I finally ran out of films. I pondered on whether or not this was a serious problem, or just a curse casted upon me from the old era of VHS movies. It truly does trouble me.

 

I recommend these movies for those that enjoy the “found footage” genre. They deliver everything you’d expect from the trope, following that one pattern I alluded to GLORIOUSLY. Although they’re not really great films, the fact that they can entertain is enough to keep you happy with each passing film. And with that, I take my leave. Did I miss any “found footage” movies? Please let me know, because I need to ease my desire for adequate acting, shaky cameras, high-pitched screaming, gratuitous blood, and the absolutely no hope for whoever is holding the camera. This is Dr. Sparta, fighting my cursed attraction to bad and fake homemade movies, and gloriously failing miserably.